The Tuareg Man [1]

I woke today, the sun as always shone its bright hot light on my window pane. Guess my dry-spell season isn't ending anytime . 

 . As usual, every morning, the sun isn't the only thing that goes up. I had a major boner, just like every normal man since they become "active" adolescents. So, I had to chill for this hard to go down, walking on it is worse than having the walk of shame on a model's runway! As soon as I woke up I went outside to spit, *my landlord should really put up some sinks on this house* *but I can't step up to him, this psychopath is the biggest fan of cryogenics I know. With the cold May season almost up, naah I don't want to be another cryogenics experiment when I see a padlock on my door*.

A woman, got out, of my neighbor's house. "Again!" I thought. Guess, its raining through his window pane. Damn, this man. This lady who walked out, whoa the way she had dressed, crazy! With my bad eye sight, I could still see her nipples ;(. If I wasn't any stupid, my neighbor would just tell me he was learning the braille through her nipples.. Cause seriously one of them has to be blind for such "love".. But well at least someone is getting some for the both of us..

On the left side of my house lives on John *there is no pun whatsoever here*. John is my friend, he is on the same boat with me. Drifting through a river but nooh, its like the Mosaic boat, no wetness comes our way. John unlike me isn't cool with the situation. This man is a psychopath he has to get some. The society today has thrown tomatoes on us virgins *btw a tomato is a fruit*. John, has so many duct-tapes on his house. He always cracks this joke "She can't say no to you with duct-tape on her mouth". This joke is always funny. Until he made this joke recently "When i'm done with her she won't feel her legs, until the chloroform wears off I laughed but thought on it, crazy what people would do for some 2 minutes of sex.

I then got a text from the apple of my I *I-phone*. It was my twitter crush. I hadn't updated my twitter account. Apparently my followers were now restless. I had to calm them down, cause KOTs are capable of anything. So I just updated my status, just in-case one crazy follower was planning to start a public demonstration. I would want people to be caught because of me. Since my country has 1cop:500citizens no-wonder the security level here is so safe. 

Then came a more serious text. From this lady I'm so into. She finally replied all the 1000 texts I sent her. I think this is a sign from heaven that we're meant to be. I know, you now think I'm a stalker? On my defense who wouldn't? This lady is so curvy, she would drive you crazy on those curves with no breaks *dangerous* . But if she doesn't love me back well then she a bitch, but worry not all dogs go to heaven. What did she want? I hope she realized how much, she has been missing. What? What? "Send me ksh.2000 through m-pesa" her text read. Seriously? I was low on cash, I was even borrowing my parents money to take other women to dates. I was so angry I texted this  back "Give me an hour I wear my oversize shoes, I come to your place. Then I kick you on your vagina so that shoe gets lost inside". Oh, my what have I done? Aaargh, she'll understand, we joke a lot, she says "I don't love you, I'll file a restraining order on you" I say well......

Life as me sucks sweaty balls at times, but till I read on the AIDS and unwanted pregnancies statistics, then I realise, I've 90% escaped the former disadvantage. I could joke abut AIDS but noohh all AIDS jokes are dead *see what I did there*. Anyway, I had to hurry and head out to work at www.raverend.co.ke but now, I have to use he long route cause man I stillowe mama mboga her ksh20......... To be continued

Follow me on twitter @Kenyan_parody. I won't necessarily follow back.