I looked at Diamond's soul window, I got completely lost by all the rainbow monkeys and gummy bears dancing inside. So young but yet such a big woman. What happened to the rebellious adolescent phase? Something very ironic happened the DeeJay cued this song [ https://soundcloud.com/mozze/she-is-beautiful-lon-jon ] [Lon Jon- She is Beautiful] strange I know. I changed my perception of Diamond, just for the 3minutes that lasted the song, she reminded me of someone I knew, lost in the world like Kanye West.. I now wanted to help her, but how? I symbolically gave her my jacket, it wouldn't protect her from the cold world, but for the night, it would cover almost naked body and protect her from the 'Wastelands' cold. I had to leave now if I wanted to make on time for the poetry at All Saints Cathedral.
Every unsigned and un-hyped poet, storyteller and open mic musician was here. From my back bench seat I could spot Thinker Isaac, Kimari Lillian, Sitati Elsis, Wagura Edwin, Tambo Nashon, Yvonne Olga the list was the heavenly scroll *endless*. Oh hey, Bor Brenda is also here, hmmh I can't wait for her voice to JAZZ the audience. Today for a change it looked like words had more to say than actions.
Everyone who took the mic made it come alive *Mike*. My week was long; fallen out with people and not ready to say sorry, tedious www.raverend.co.ke duties, then Diamond. I had to speak out and share; I was tired of being a silent listener.
.....walking to the podium.........
"Halo Guys! I'm Halwenge Fidel and I have a piece" I looked a round the big hall and continued "All your pieces have been like honey to my mouth but bitter to my stomach" " I have decided to find gold and refine it on the fire"
Will these audience notice my bible references? Should I tell them about my strange dream of the 39blocked estate and specifically on block Ezekiel door number 24? Maybe no today...
She Hid Her Face
........ choking........
"Her name was Khadija,
sexy bodied Islamic lady,
who had the power of making,
every man lust but none her first,
since she wore a hijab to hide her face.
She strongly believed in Allah,
met this man who dressed her in prada,
unknowingly and faster than uttering voila,
she became pregnant and bid her dreams inshallah,
filled with embarrassment she had to hide her face!
She had so much life,
until she became his wife,
with no respect to a man's belief,
he caused his wife facial grief,
now she has to hide her face.
Whenever she went to pray,
you'd hear erotic moaning s,
but when she got back to lay,
you'd hear painful groaning s,
she had to continue to hide her face.
She tried to make this end,
but the more she tried,
the more purple roses he send,
to her peers she lied,
on why she hid her face!
Today we got a chance,
to finally see face,
one last look at her,
holding the red roses,
he finally bought her,
as she lie on the casket,
waiting for her face to be hid as usual!"
*Applauds* Applauds* *woohoo*
"Just like Khadija, we all hide something, take a wrong approach and maybe succumb to our tribulations!"
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
The Tuareg Man [3]
Music review done and submitted to the chief editor. Business article almost done just a few unapproved Keynesian theories then submission. At-least I have some few minutes to spare and flip through The Daily Facebook evening print. Our BBA representative was officially named. Alhuda Njoroge better known as Huddah Monroe, there goes the respect of the Kenyan woman. I thought it would be Vera Sidika, I had this flinch that Africa would get to see how our society is an ass #sigh. Just as I had thought my work on www.raverend.co.ke was done, my secretary submits more work from the head office. Event, coverage at Changes bar and restaurant. My boss new that I hated Westlands and on Fridays I had poetry at All Saints Cathedral, so why send me there? Guess I'd have to leave early enough before the breaded roads suddenly get jammed.
The thought of going to 'Westy' made me feel like I was taking all that I stood for today to a Wasteland. I hated the place's night life. I hated how the touts made you feel like the most important person just to get ignored on your destination. I hated that your shirt could get drenched by sweat that was probably the perspiration of joy from a campus student who had successfully cheated on an exam. I hated that all the hood rats would have their fairy godmother hook them up with the freshest cats. I hated the men there who wore Vitenge pants. I hated that a fool might think that you're from Mwea Tebere and plant 'mchele' on your drink. I hated that in every dark aisle there was a woman doing a gymnastics 180 degrees leg split for a man who wasn't her gym instructor. I hated that the ladies there would shake their ass more than my vibrating Chinese handset. But more so, I hated that I was a conservative in a bar called Changes.
I set my eye on one of the most fast rising couple in the society today. The man fit the stereotype; average height, light skinned, balding, expensive watched and had a stomach that looked like he was on his 3rd trimester *he was only missing a toothpick*. He swayed his hand all over as if trying to hide his ring, but even it wouldn't take Stevie wonder to see it with braille. His lass, looked so young, young enough to be King Mswati's next wife, maybe even young enough to think the perks on her chest were a big allergic reactions *welcome to the 21st century love story*. Calling her beautiful would be 'pedophiliac' lets just say she was adorable. From her skirt length, you could see Thighland and with the few right words, there was nothing left but to see the rest of the Asian tiger. To put this adjectives on her skirt size, if she was Ugandan, she would be serving life imprisonment.
Mufasa, had done it again; presented a young 'cat' to all the animals in the society. We exchanged more than two looks, talk about an eye for an eye. Her man was slowly passing out, she then came way.
"Hey handsome!"
I looked to my left, tapped the guy with a millipede of left feet dancing next to me and said,
"The young lady is talking to you."
She then came closer to me as if rehearsing a PK advertisement and whispered
"No silly it's you!"
"Oh, oh, no I'm not handsome but people always confuse me to him, I'm Halwenge'
Apparently that was funny, she laughed like she needed it.
"you're must be funny."
"What betrayed me?"
"I'm Diamond by the way"
[of course her name was Diamond, thanks to Rihanna, she thinks she also shines, if she only knew she's reflecting] I thought.
Now her name made me laugh. giving out the hysterical laugh that everybody gives on Sunday nights when Churchill claims to be a comedian. This was because the only 'Diamond' I knew was from my stash of blue movies.
I didn't have anything to say to her. She made me nervous, nervous that FIDA might burst in here like some swat ish charge me like a battery and ship me to Guantanamo Bay.
"Aren't you going to buy me a drink" "Get to know me" "and take me to your place?"
For some stupid reason, this thoughts raced on my head. "Why did the president hold hands with his deputy like kindergarten kids jana" "Does this mean ICC have the wrong guy" "What is the 'V' that shapes on some women's pants?"
Guess, will never know.....to be continued....
The thought of going to 'Westy' made me feel like I was taking all that I stood for today to a Wasteland. I hated the place's night life. I hated how the touts made you feel like the most important person just to get ignored on your destination. I hated that your shirt could get drenched by sweat that was probably the perspiration of joy from a campus student who had successfully cheated on an exam. I hated that all the hood rats would have their fairy godmother hook them up with the freshest cats. I hated the men there who wore Vitenge pants. I hated that a fool might think that you're from Mwea Tebere and plant 'mchele' on your drink. I hated that in every dark aisle there was a woman doing a gymnastics 180 degrees leg split for a man who wasn't her gym instructor. I hated that the ladies there would shake their ass more than my vibrating Chinese handset. But more so, I hated that I was a conservative in a bar called Changes.
I set my eye on one of the most fast rising couple in the society today. The man fit the stereotype; average height, light skinned, balding, expensive watched and had a stomach that looked like he was on his 3rd trimester *he was only missing a toothpick*. He swayed his hand all over as if trying to hide his ring, but even it wouldn't take Stevie wonder to see it with braille. His lass, looked so young, young enough to be King Mswati's next wife, maybe even young enough to think the perks on her chest were a big allergic reactions *welcome to the 21st century love story*. Calling her beautiful would be 'pedophiliac' lets just say she was adorable. From her skirt length, you could see Thighland and with the few right words, there was nothing left but to see the rest of the Asian tiger. To put this adjectives on her skirt size, if she was Ugandan, she would be serving life imprisonment.
Mufasa, had done it again; presented a young 'cat' to all the animals in the society. We exchanged more than two looks, talk about an eye for an eye. Her man was slowly passing out, she then came way.
"Hey handsome!"
I looked to my left, tapped the guy with a millipede of left feet dancing next to me and said,
"The young lady is talking to you."
She then came closer to me as if rehearsing a PK advertisement and whispered
"No silly it's you!"
"Oh, oh, no I'm not handsome but people always confuse me to him, I'm Halwenge'
Apparently that was funny, she laughed like she needed it.
"you're must be funny."
"What betrayed me?"
"I'm Diamond by the way"
[of course her name was Diamond, thanks to Rihanna, she thinks she also shines, if she only knew she's reflecting] I thought.
Now her name made me laugh. giving out the hysterical laugh that everybody gives on Sunday nights when Churchill claims to be a comedian. This was because the only 'Diamond' I knew was from my stash of blue movies.
I didn't have anything to say to her. She made me nervous, nervous that FIDA might burst in here like some swat ish charge me like a battery and ship me to Guantanamo Bay.
"Aren't you going to buy me a drink" "Get to know me" "and take me to your place?"
For some stupid reason, this thoughts raced on my head. "Why did the president hold hands with his deputy like kindergarten kids jana" "Does this mean ICC have the wrong guy" "What is the 'V' that shapes on some women's pants?"
Guess, will never know.....to be continued....
Saturday, 20 April 2013
The Tuareg Man [2]
The offices of www.raverend.co.ke were slow as usual. Muthoni, Achieng and Nekesa were usually doing their fair share of building the nation with banter gossip, the president should give them a Golden Heart Spear for their immense contribution to the double digit rise on the GDP. As soon as I opened my office door, I received a text "Did u axe the guy???" From my secretary. Seriously, why couldn't she just ask me when I walked passed her a split second ago? *I blame Safaricom for starting a Texting Industry in the economy, hope all idle adolescents get employed here* "Axe? How did you know I was planning to kill someone?" *just a thought* "No, I haven't axed him yet, I'm not ready" I replied. "nooh, I meant ask him" she replied. Why am I even having this 'life changing' conversation anyway? And how did she even get employed as a secretary? Oh, my boss, inherited the Magazine Firm from his dad *Guys you make such wrong decisions in life after watching too much Jamaican Music* he actually thinks beauty is directly proportional to brains. I just cross my fingers she doesn't get a transfer to finance!
Flipping through the Daily Facebook Newspaper is always cool before tossing it outside my window just to give the city council something to do than hiking parking fees. But today it was more unpalatable than all this libido incentive music that hit the airwaves today *have I mentioned that new uncensored song by Dj Nruff*. Aha, a nice read 'MPs want their salary increased'. What? Really? How now Holy Indian cow? You were just sworn in last week? You earn an already taxed Ksh.230,000 without allowance included. Do these guys know that the average Kenyan, me included survive on office meals? *my own statistics of course*? And if the economy continues digging deep all the way to China, we might not even have these office meals! I won't even through this page away with the rest of the paper. I'll use my hands to get it softer than it is so that I get to use it in the toilet, cause this is pure shit, in-washable by a Muslim *no offense*
Through the pages, I continued seeing things that Mau Mau didn't die for. Bizarre articles "KenyanPorn" "KumaMoto +18 Only" "Gays, Sugar mummies and Daddies hookups". This really posed a question on what is happening to our society. Jesus, if you can hear me, its crazy out hear, maybe even worse than Sodom and Gomorrah! Funny how the citizens and church would complain about a condom advertisement but do nothing about these? O.o
[phone ringing. ringtone =====> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKFmLwjLp8s |Swedish House Mafia-Save The World] [My friend Wafula, I had promised him some money]
*I pick it up*
"Halo"
"Niaje. Ile pesa, uliniahidi itakuwaje?"
"Sijasahau. Ntakutumia. Si unajua how Nairobi is"
*Tone changes to sarcasm*
"Ebu niambie, mimi sijawahi kuwa huko, nitajuaje?"
*Loosing my temper as [usual]*
"Buda sina doh! Nikipata, ata sitalipa rent ntakutumia cause you are way important than my shelter"
"Thanks wewe ndo huyo msee. Usisahau kunitumia, na lala njaa, Kakamega maisha ni ngumu"
*try Nairobi*
"Cheki hakuna msee amedie huko Kakamega? Uende izo burials, ukanyemelee food. Manze Waf changamkia mazishi zote for now."
"Aargg wewe ni ma**** kaji****** atasitaki izo pesa"
*guy hangs up*
Waf, should really have his anger checked. Its so bad. To be continued............
@Kenyan_parody (on twitter, I might not follow back)
Flipping through the Daily Facebook Newspaper is always cool before tossing it outside my window just to give the city council something to do than hiking parking fees. But today it was more unpalatable than all this libido incentive music that hit the airwaves today *have I mentioned that new uncensored song by Dj Nruff*. Aha, a nice read 'MPs want their salary increased'. What? Really? How now Holy Indian cow? You were just sworn in last week? You earn an already taxed Ksh.230,000 without allowance included. Do these guys know that the average Kenyan, me included survive on office meals? *my own statistics of course*? And if the economy continues digging deep all the way to China, we might not even have these office meals! I won't even through this page away with the rest of the paper. I'll use my hands to get it softer than it is so that I get to use it in the toilet, cause this is pure shit, in-washable by a Muslim *no offense*
Through the pages, I continued seeing things that Mau Mau didn't die for. Bizarre articles "KenyanPorn" "KumaMoto +18 Only" "Gays, Sugar mummies and Daddies hookups". This really posed a question on what is happening to our society. Jesus, if you can hear me, its crazy out hear, maybe even worse than Sodom and Gomorrah! Funny how the citizens and church would complain about a condom advertisement but do nothing about these? O.o
[phone ringing. ringtone =====> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKFmLwjLp8s |Swedish House Mafia-Save The World] [My friend Wafula, I had promised him some money]
*I pick it up*
"Halo"
"Niaje. Ile pesa, uliniahidi itakuwaje?"
"Sijasahau. Ntakutumia. Si unajua how Nairobi is"
*Tone changes to sarcasm*
"Ebu niambie, mimi sijawahi kuwa huko, nitajuaje?"
*Loosing my temper as [usual]*
"Buda sina doh! Nikipata, ata sitalipa rent ntakutumia cause you are way important than my shelter"
"Thanks wewe ndo huyo msee. Usisahau kunitumia, na lala njaa, Kakamega maisha ni ngumu"
*try Nairobi*
"Cheki hakuna msee amedie huko Kakamega? Uende izo burials, ukanyemelee food. Manze Waf changamkia mazishi zote for now."
"Aargg wewe ni ma**** kaji****** atasitaki izo pesa"
*guy hangs up*
Waf, should really have his anger checked. Its so bad. To be continued............
@Kenyan_parody (on twitter, I might not follow back)
Thursday, 18 April 2013
The Tuareg Man [1]
I woke today, the sun as always shone its bright hot light on my window pane. Guess my dry-spell season isn't ending anytime .
. As usual, every morning, the sun isn't the only thing that goes up. I had a major boner, just like every normal man since they become "active" adolescents. So, I had to chill for this hard to go down, walking on it is worse than having the walk of shame on a model's runway! As soon as I woke up I went outside to spit, *my landlord should really put up some sinks on this house* *but I can't step up to him, this psychopath is the biggest fan of cryogenics I know. With the cold May season almost up, naah I don't want to be another cryogenics experiment when I see a padlock on my door*.
A woman, got out, of my neighbor's house. "Again!" I thought. Guess, its raining through his window pane. Damn, this man. This lady who walked out, whoa the way she had dressed, crazy! With my bad eye sight, I could still see her nipples ;(. If I wasn't any stupid, my neighbor would just tell me he was learning the braille through her nipples.. Cause seriously one of them has to be blind for such "love".. But well at least someone is getting some for the both of us..
On the left side of my house lives on John *there is no pun whatsoever here*. John is my friend, he is on the same boat with me. Drifting through a river but nooh, its like the Mosaic boat, no wetness comes our way. John unlike me isn't cool with the situation. This man is a psychopath he has to get some. The society today has thrown tomatoes on us virgins *btw a tomato is a fruit*. John, has so many duct-tapes on his house. He always cracks this joke "She can't say no to you with duct-tape on her mouth". This joke is always funny. Until he made this joke recently "When i'm done with her she won't feel her legs, until the chloroform wears off I laughed but thought on it, crazy what people would do for some 2 minutes of sex.
I then got a text from the apple of my I *I-phone*. It was my twitter crush. I hadn't updated my twitter account. Apparently my followers were now restless. I had to calm them down, cause KOTs are capable of anything. So I just updated my status, just in-case one crazy follower was planning to start a public demonstration. I would want people to be caught because of me. Since my country has 1cop:500citizens no-wonder the security level here is so safe.
Then came a more serious text. From this lady I'm so into. She finally replied all the 1000 texts I sent her. I think this is a sign from heaven that we're meant to be. I know, you now think I'm a stalker? On my defense who wouldn't? This lady is so curvy, she would drive you crazy on those curves with no breaks *dangerous* . But if she doesn't love me back well then she a bitch, but worry not all dogs go to heaven. What did she want? I hope she realized how much, she has been missing. What? What? "Send me ksh.2000 through m-pesa" her text read. Seriously? I was low on cash, I was even borrowing my parents money to take other women to dates. I was so angry I texted this back "Give me an hour I wear my oversize shoes, I come to your place. Then I kick you on your vagina so that shoe gets lost inside". Oh, my what have I done? Aaargh, she'll understand, we joke a lot, she says "I don't love you, I'll file a restraining order on you" I say well......
Life as me sucks sweaty balls at times, but till I read on the AIDS and unwanted pregnancies statistics, then I realise, I've 90% escaped the former disadvantage. I could joke abut AIDS but noohh all AIDS jokes are dead *see what I did there*. Anyway, I had to hurry and head out to work at www.raverend.co.ke but now, I have to use he long route cause man I stillowe mama mboga her ksh20......... To be continued
Follow me on twitter @Kenyan_parody. I won't necessarily follow back.
Monday, 8 April 2013
Letter To The President
Wassup Man,
Sup, Mr. Kenyatta, is it safe now to call you president? See I'm a youth, lol, the real youth, haha soon turning 21 and just thought i should write you a letter, sir. I know this sucks, I can't wait for you to be sworn in, next time we'll communicate through skype(RAO's words not mine) #teamDigital. If I could I would give you a 21gun salute, but I only love guns in Call of Duty and yes, I'm the lazy type, but still all congratulations due. Tomorrrow is your big day. If you could go 30years or so back, I'm sure you wrote this composition at one your English classes. That's besides the point sir, see people, think I'm funny, why? beats me too, but I'm not a Kenyan comedian yet; well maybe cause I can't do voices, or maybe cause I don't find dressing as a girl funny, or maybe cause I don't fancy applying charcoal on my face or(big or there) I just don't find lillac ties interesting as a topic :D. These are just some of the silly things that have made me not get employed, whoah I bleed for those who suffer under nepotism, tribalism [ I'll stop there cause clearly there no more words ending with the suffix -ism]
I have some issues I have to raise. I'm always friendzoned sir, this is really blowing my self_esttem away man, lol, #joke. Seriously, did you watch the news yester-night? I know, ata mimi CIKUnotice Ciku :D. The man on topic, the late hon. Saitoti was my Mp. Sir, I would like justice to be served. How now cow? you ask? I don't know, you're the president. Some names cropped up, so there you have it a starting point. But the question here is not if you're going to eat that slice of pizza, but if do we really need Jicho Pevu to always tell us these sad truths? Isn't these, the works of the CID and NSIS to release to the public? And there they were named in the conspiracy. Is this the price we pay for wanting to be a developed state, and getting closer to vision 2030? I honestly thought it was 3 tits on women, what a wy to burst my bubble.
Then comes your manifesto? 100days, whoa, laptops, 5stadiums, wi-fi in towns. If i wasn't stupid, I'd say balls, were pressed here, but oh well. Have you entered facebook lately? If yes do you still think those are the things that should be tackled first? By now you know, I didn't vote for you. I held on to hope when the petition was disclosed, but oh well. I hoped for some other form of democracy, but that Greek guy really did a number on us CORDashians :(. I'm glad to tell you, I've accepted you as my president. If I was you I would push for National healing in the first 100days, but hey that's just me. If you've being on facebook lately and specifically some pages, you would see how certain tribes are at each others throats[as if their Adam's apple isn't doing a good enough job]. The comments are usually funny, but the funniest part is, the international bodies that are "apparently" on your case only know the Maasai tribe.
I hear, people talk and people are hurt maybe even more than 2007. And the still waters should run more questions than the answers. Look sir if you're a fan of my blog [Hydrant], you read my post a letter to Nnandi. Nnandi is my future daughter sir, how long due I don't know yet, but thing is I don't wanr her to get into Kenya when it's in destructions. See sir, I don't like Uganda, actually[sorry Mbabazi] I hate there, well cause there is no beach there and the bitches there[see what I did there sir] have fat asses. I don't trust women with fat asses since Vera Sidika came into the entertainment world.. So you have a hard task in front of you, "uko TIYARI" eeh? Though I honestly think you can mend this sir, start by the wrongs of your father in Nyanza province maybe.. Btw I'm an econmics student I'll be done with school in the next 2years[na hint employment hapa].
When I said I'm friend-zoned, I was asking if your daughter eehh. Is there any chance she is in K.U? *okay i stop*
Yours truly,
A Kenyan who believes in your Leadership,
@Kenyan_parody
Sup, Mr. Kenyatta, is it safe now to call you president? See I'm a youth, lol, the real youth, haha soon turning 21 and just thought i should write you a letter, sir. I know this sucks, I can't wait for you to be sworn in, next time we'll communicate through skype(RAO's words not mine) #teamDigital. If I could I would give you a 21gun salute, but I only love guns in Call of Duty and yes, I'm the lazy type, but still all congratulations due. Tomorrrow is your big day. If you could go 30years or so back, I'm sure you wrote this composition at one your English classes. That's besides the point sir, see people, think I'm funny, why? beats me too, but I'm not a Kenyan comedian yet; well maybe cause I can't do voices, or maybe cause I don't find dressing as a girl funny, or maybe cause I don't fancy applying charcoal on my face or(big or there) I just don't find lillac ties interesting as a topic :D. These are just some of the silly things that have made me not get employed, whoah I bleed for those who suffer under nepotism, tribalism [ I'll stop there cause clearly there no more words ending with the suffix -ism]
I have some issues I have to raise. I'm always friendzoned sir, this is really blowing my self_esttem away man, lol, #joke. Seriously, did you watch the news yester-night? I know, ata mimi CIKUnotice Ciku :D. The man on topic, the late hon. Saitoti was my Mp. Sir, I would like justice to be served. How now cow? you ask? I don't know, you're the president. Some names cropped up, so there you have it a starting point. But the question here is not if you're going to eat that slice of pizza, but if do we really need Jicho Pevu to always tell us these sad truths? Isn't these, the works of the CID and NSIS to release to the public? And there they were named in the conspiracy. Is this the price we pay for wanting to be a developed state, and getting closer to vision 2030? I honestly thought it was 3 tits on women, what a wy to burst my bubble.
Then comes your manifesto? 100days, whoa, laptops, 5stadiums, wi-fi in towns. If i wasn't stupid, I'd say balls, were pressed here, but oh well. Have you entered facebook lately? If yes do you still think those are the things that should be tackled first? By now you know, I didn't vote for you. I held on to hope when the petition was disclosed, but oh well. I hoped for some other form of democracy, but that Greek guy really did a number on us CORDashians :(. I'm glad to tell you, I've accepted you as my president. If I was you I would push for National healing in the first 100days, but hey that's just me. If you've being on facebook lately and specifically some pages, you would see how certain tribes are at each others throats[as if their Adam's apple isn't doing a good enough job]. The comments are usually funny, but the funniest part is, the international bodies that are "apparently" on your case only know the Maasai tribe.
I hear, people talk and people are hurt maybe even more than 2007. And the still waters should run more questions than the answers. Look sir if you're a fan of my blog [Hydrant], you read my post a letter to Nnandi. Nnandi is my future daughter sir, how long due I don't know yet, but thing is I don't wanr her to get into Kenya when it's in destructions. See sir, I don't like Uganda, actually[sorry Mbabazi] I hate there, well cause there is no beach there and the bitches there[see what I did there sir] have fat asses. I don't trust women with fat asses since Vera Sidika came into the entertainment world.. So you have a hard task in front of you, "uko TIYARI" eeh? Though I honestly think you can mend this sir, start by the wrongs of your father in Nyanza province maybe.. Btw I'm an econmics student I'll be done with school in the next 2years[na hint employment hapa].
When I said I'm friend-zoned, I was asking if your daughter eehh. Is there any chance she is in K.U? *okay i stop*
Yours truly,
A Kenyan who believes in your Leadership,
@Kenyan_parody
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