A Letter To Safaricom

Dear Bob Collymore.
Hey there Bob, can I call you that? But with how you pockets are green with the environment, I think I should call you Millions? I'm blogging this letter to you through my Orange modem, is that cool with you? They have great offers, but it's not about the money, I just love fruits :D. I own an apple I-phone and my Airtel line has a BlackBerry, see I'm a Fruititarian, if you want i can send you a basket maybe?
You must be the funniest guy on Earth, just when idle guys on social media we're making fun of Linda Nyangweso's weight, you decided to send that 'Weight Reduction text' to your subscribers. haha, I see what you did there man [hi5 man]. Talking about the texts, I never believed in the red button before you came into management. How do you do it? Do you like swing on your chair, have an evil laugh, imagine thunderstorms and lightning then press the red button? Which automatically sends texts, to all your subscribers? I fancy that stunt, honestly in this past week you've sent me more texts than all the women in my life. I just want to give you a hug, I already feel like we're best friends :)
Did you fire Jane? That lady at the Customer Care? I had already told my friends that she's my girlfriend, now look Bob, what will I tell them now? Today, I call it takes a period of loosing your virginity to get answered then some guy called John answers. Anyway but that's cool, the ones we love, we should be ready to let them go.
Quite the stereotype, but hey how will we ever know. Quick question therefore. You're SouthAfrican right? So do you like triple click your computer mouse? haha, okay that was foul. Do you also find some Kenyan women that cheap? As in are you serious that if I just sambaza internet data I'll get laid?
 But keep up with the good work, you've topped Company awards a number of times and keep sending the text, lonely people like me really need them
Yours Truly,
@Kenyan_parody